Sunday, December 2, 2007

Gene Autry's Hallucinogenic Delusions

Gene Autry's "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" is just nearly about the only version of that song you will hear this time of year on most radio stations and in shopping centers. I don't know what's wrong with Gene's other Christmas songs that keep them off the radio and makes stations want to play that song over and over again, but I think I am figuring it out.

Today's first offer is "Where Did My Snowman Go?" This is a fun little song, until you listen to it and I mean listen to it.

First, Gene finds the pipe and top hat of the snow man lying in the snow. Naturally, the first thought that comes to his mind is that maybe the snowman went to "Snowland" to live with the Eskimos (because we all know that's what the land is called where they live...great geography lesson for the kids there, Gene!) and not that the snowman melted, because that would just be INSANITY to think that.

Another possibility is the Snowman went to work with Santa and Rudolph, so Gene writes a letter to Santa to see if he knows. Sorry, Gene, Santa's busy watching his Girls Gone Naughty videos that Mrs. Claus doesn't know about to be keeping an eye on your dumb, stupid snowman.

Well, to be fair, he does ask his mom and dad where the snowman could have gone and they have no freaking clue. They are seemingly befuddled as Gene where a snowman could go.

Then Gene says Jack Frost "talked" to him. This clearly is a mind that's not working right here, folks. And after Jack Frost "tells" Gene a winter storm is on the way, Jack apparently "tells" Gene to kill his father (more on that in a moment, though.)

However, Gene comes right out and admits he built a FIRE by the snowman to keep him warm and put a SUNLAMP outside to also warm him up (because, as we all know, that's a safe thing to be teaching children to carry wired electrical devices out into the wet snow!)

I mean, seriously, if Gene is not on some acid induced trip here with the talking Jack Frost and coming up with imaginary lands where Eskimos live and displaying a clear lack of ability to think logically, then he's stone cold drunk or something. And look at that face on the record cover there...does that look like the face of a sober man thinking clearly?

But his obsession is not ending...he's going to come up with a million pennies to get to the bottom of this. Yeah, Gene. Let me know how that works out for you.

Listen to the tale for yourself if you don't believe me.

Gene Autry-Where Did My Snowman Go?

Ok, back to the psychotic voices in Gene's head. I only surmise Jack Frost commanded Gene to kill his father, or else why would his mom be free to marry Santa Claus? Either Dad is out of the way or this is Gene's way of extending a long middle finger to his Dad and some deeper issues are at work here. Either way, his song "I Wish My Mom Would Marry Santa Claus" is just disturbing on so many levels. If Dad is around, Gene is quite satisfied with some kind of threesome thing with Mom, Dad, and Santa. If Dad needed to get out of the way and resisted, then maybe it was "Jack Frost" who told Gene to kill him to get him out of the way. And if Dad is still alive, and separated or divorced, it's still an issue because it's an extremely selfish thing for Gene to want Santa all to himself. Yeah, that's the spirit of Christmas, Gene. Ho freaking ho.

Gene Autry-I Wish My Mom Would Marry Santa Claus

I think Gene picked up the snowman's pipe and was smoking something himself, if you ask me.

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